Movies You Love And Why They Suck: Harry Potter 7 Part One

Ok this will probably piss a lot of people off, especially the die hards, but I'm not going to sit around and pretend it was good like everyone is doing. Let's get this straight, I love Harry Potter. I mean I fucking love Harry Potter. I love the books, I love the movies, and I love talking about it and what not in general. Do I think all the Harry Potter movies suck? No, I actually think they are all decent movies. I mean they're not all solid cinematic masterpieces, but this one just really sets a low standard for the franchise. Also disclaimer, I did not read the seventh book. Hate me on that but I am lazy and never got around to it.

What I should've read first....

So before I even saw this I had knowledge that this movie will not take place in Hogwarts. I was disappointed to hear that but I love Hogwarts. Hogwarts is the shit, Hogwarts is my people. However I figured they'd make up for it, nope. So the film starts off reminding us Dumbledore is dead (spoilers). It actually starts off pretty nicely with a bit of action and a good meeting up of all the gang, just like any other Harry Potter movie. Harry and the gang get mixed up usual shenanigans, but this time in the Ministry of Magic. In a getaway they land themselves in the middle of the woods somewhere. 

This is where the film really starts to dip. So basically the gang is wandering around in the woods getting into trouble. Also they have a piece of jewelry which has some of the dark lord's power encased in it or something which they are out to destroy. This jewelry can also drive the wearer insane. Does this sound familiar to you at all? It's called Lord Of The Rings and the similarities are shameful. I mean if you're going to rip off the Lord Of The Rings at least rip off the good parts of it. Sorry to say but Frodo's part of the Lord Of The Rings was the boring part of it.

Trust me it's not that different.

So anyways the three of them are wandering the woods and Ron has a stick up his ass and goes apeshit every time Harry look at Hermoine. To be honest I got tired of the three which made me realize what this movie really lacked, characters. No Dumbledore, barely any Snape, no Sirius Black ;-;, barely any Luna, barely any Weasly twins, barely any Voldemort, and none of the awesome characters from Hogwarts we grew up with. To me that is what is the most disappointing part of the entire, instead I got Ron and Harry bickering the entire time who got to use their wand on Hermoine.

I'd probably cast a spell on her too.

After what seemed like years in the woods we finally reach our climax, where the Death Eaters have captured the gang. So I'm thinking oh sweet there is going to be some awesome wizard battle or something, nope. The Death Eaters make the same mistake every villain does and lets the hostage just chill unwatched. Then that stupid elf I never liked comes in and saves them. Then he leads them to an underwhelming climax in which he dies. I was actually kind of happy with that ending. Beside that I felt cheated to have the movie end on such a shitty climax.

Now I'm sure any Harry Potter fans will want to kick me in the sack for saying all that shit, but it's the truth. Am I looking forward to Part Two? Yes, because I don't want to see the franchise I love end in the toilet. They have a shot at redemption to save this one from the gutter. As far as my suggestion for a healthy alternative I'd go watch the Lord of the Rings since those are long enough to keep you busy until Part Two comes out.

Alright people, I'm doing this again. Here ya go.

I don't know why but I love this picture.

Most Disappointing Movie

-The Expendables

-The American

-Harry Potter 7

-The Last Airbender

Winner- The American.

Honestly just watch the trailer and you've seen the only parts worth staying awake for. However this is my personal pick, but if I wanted to please the audience I'd say The Last Airbender was really disappointing. 

The Die in a Fire Award

-Julia Roberts

-Jennifer Anniston

-Michael Cera

-Megan Fox

Winner- Jennifer Anniston.

Unfunny, untalented, unneeded, overused. 

Worst Movie Award

-Standing Ovation

-Sorcerer’s Apprentice

-Sex and the City 2

-A Nightmare On Elm St

Winner- Standing Ovation.

For the few of you who were unfortunate enough to see this you would have seen what I consider to be the worst movie I've ever seen. The worst part is I should've never seen this, I should've been screening Inception instead. Basically this movie is a really shitty Disney wanna be show made into a full length torture of a film. 

Most Overused Idea

-Spy Movies

-Tyler Perry

-Everything 3D

-Talking animals

Winner- Everything in 3D.

 Otherwise known as the Avatar effect. No one can even do it right either. Stop converting to 3D, it looks like shit. Just use 3D cameras, that's why Avatar's 3D was so nice. However I must say working at a movie theater really effects my decision on this one. Otherwise I'd say spy movies.

Coolest Movie Title

-Trash Humpers

-Bitch Slap

-I Spit on Your Grave

-Make-out With Violence

Winner- Trash Humpers.

Need I say more?

Biggest Surprise Award

-A-Team

-How to Train Your Dragon

-Chloe

-Tangled

Winner- A-Team.

This was a huge surprise. I went in expecting to hate it and walked out with a grin on my face. This movie knew exactly what it wanted to be and lived to its full potential.

The Called It Award

-Skyline blowing ass

-Scott Pilgrim Flopping

-The Last Airbender Flopping

-Inception raping everything

Winner- The Last Airbender

 Amidst everyone so happy to see it I knew it was going to tank. Limited trailer cuts, huge budget, overwhelming advertising,and M Knight Shamalandomanja. Who couldn't see it coming a mile off.

2011 Predictions

-Sucker Punch will be amazing

-Thor will bomb and suck

-More Avatar wanna-bes and more 3d

-Toy Story 3 wanna-bes

My Top Ten

10. The Girl Who Played With Fire

9. Kick- Ass

8. Despicable Me

7. A Team

6. How To Train Your Dragon

5. True Grit

4. Inception

3. Black Swan

2.127 Hours 

1. The Social Network

Movies You Love And Why They Suck: Paranormal Activity 2

Sorry for not doing one of these in awhile, but the hate train needed more fuel and what better fuel than another horror shitfest. Before I go any further I will tell you that I have not seen the first one and no I don't want to see it. From what I hear they are very similar and I don't need to see the first one to appreciate the second because there isn't anything to appreciate. So I guess I'll go ahead and get this started.

So the movie starts us out with a home camera setup for the cinematography. We are introduced to our shallow, predictable characters played by unknown actors through this camera. They are what appears a normal, middle class, white family, which is creepy because I've never ever seen that in any movies ever. In fact I don't even know if I want to call them a family. Their family structure is so ass-backwards. Their teenage daughter is like a niece or something, I couldn't follow it that well. Then there's the sister of the wife who is the chick from the first movie and has nice tits. Finally there is the newborn son who won't have anything to do with the plot since horror movies don't tend to use children as a point of interest. So anyways they get their house raided by something and have to set up cameras everywhere so it doesn't happen again. In which the cameras pick up SPOOKY stuff.

So basically this entire films premise is these cameras watching a ghost fuck with this family. No I am serious, that's what this ghost does, he just fucks with them. He basically just opens doors and knocks pots down which is scary as hell if you are a moron.  Not to mention this ghost is really fucking stupid and here's why. They do a poor job of explaining what the hell this ghost's motivation is but apparently the grandma made a deal with the devil in the 20s and the deal was that the devil took the first born son. Since then all the bloodline had been girls up until this newborn son. So basically this ghost's goal is to take (or kill) the kid which is fine but he doesn't ever fucking just do it. Think about it, you've been waiting since the 20's to kill this damn thing, I'd have killed it while it was in the womb and gotten it over with. But no the ghost just fucks around for the entire movie in which he manages to rape one, possess two, kill a dog (;-;), and use the possessed body to kill two others. This ghost is like the worst hitman ever. However the chick from the first movie who is possessed comes over and take the kid, but they don't tell you where she went with it. I guess we'll need another shitty movie to tell us that.

That's Paranormal Activity 2 for you and it's not even scary. The special effects are equivalent to what a five year old could do with his Sesame Street camera. The scary parts were actually hilarious and rival most of the comedy films this year. Also this films depends heavily on the use of pop up horror. That's when everything is quiet and then a really loud sound effect surprises you. This causes everyone to jump and it always works, but this is not scaring people, it's surprising people. There is a difference between scared and surprised and just because I jumped doesn't mean anything it's a natural reflex. If I were to come up behind you with and air horn while you were quietly sitting at a table and blew it in your ears you would jump. Would you be scared? No, you'd be surprised. That being said STOP FUCKING USING POP UP HORROR, IT'S NOT CREATIVE OR ENJOYABLE, IT'S ANNOYING AS FUCK.

So if you're looking into seeing this movie and you liked the first one then go see it. You deserve to see bad movies and your ticket money just goes the studio so they can make more cheap ripoffs instead of people developing good taste and giving money to studios who put out decent movies. To suggest a healthy alternative to this movie I do suggest The Blair Witch Project. It's realistic and much more creepy and they fuck a lot which is cool.

Also spoilers.

Movies You Love And Why They Suck: Alice In Wonderland

Once upon a time there was a director named Tim Burton. Burton made great films in which many loved. Then one day Tim Burton discovered that instead of making good movies for less money he could make bad movies for more money. After many fucking awful films his rocky road has lead us to his new abomination, Alice In Wonderland. People love the fuck out of this movie and I mean really love it. Then again this movie made over a billion dollars worldwide yet encouraging Tim Burton to keep making bad movies.

Isn't Tim Burton wonderful?

This movie stars Tim Burton's usual crew: Johnny Depp, Helena Carter, and some other edgy actors. I have never really seen why Johnny Depp is such a big deal. I won’t say anything about his early career, but his modern work has yet to make me a Johnny Depp fan. Then again it’s pretty hard to like a guy who is idolized by shallow, wanna-be scene girls. Now I just fucking hate Helena Carter. She never has anything to fucking offer to any movie she is in. “Oh what about Fight Club?” I fucking hated her and her character in that even though I love that movie. In this movie she crowns herself as Miss Annoying Fucking Cunt which is an achievement in my book. I will give this film credit in the fact that Alice was likable as in I would like to take her out to dinner. Aside from that the only likable actor in this is Alan Rickman.

Now for the story which is this film’s worst feature. Let me tell you what you already know, but Alice In Wonderland is not a remake it’s a fucking sequel. What kind of fucking rip off is that? I’m sure millions went into the theater expecting a remake of a classic film from their childhood, but instead they get the product of a bunch of fucking retarded monkeys (studio writers) flinging shit at each other for a couple months. I mean why couldn’t they just be honest and give it a title that makes sense. What would be wrong with calling it Return To Wonderland? Or just be a honest and name it A Waste Of Fucking Time. Anyways, back to the story (if you want to call it that), so we have Alice. She is getting forced into a marriage she doesn’t want to be in just like every other goddamn woman in the old days. Everyone thinks she’s nuts and so she is tripping on some acid and follows a rabbit into a hole. So after some uninteresting CGI effects we find out that she has to fufill the prophecy and beat that dance crew from that MTV show which is actually a terribly designed dragon. As the plot continues it’s cliché nonsense she travels through Wonderland seeing it has been devastated by Helena Carter. So to skip most of the bullshit the battle comes down to a giant checkerboard and Alice has to fight the dragon thing. With no proper sword training Alice manages to defeat the dragon and bring peace to Wonderland. Then to celebrate Johnny Depp does a dance, yes he does a dance. Refer to the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDhFVZwfe3c

I nearly walked out of the theater at this moment. I was embarrassed to even watch this. I’m not sure whether this was supposed to be funny or look cool, but it was wrong in every way. I’d rather have sat through another hour of Helena Carter than see that. Again, back to the story, to wrap things up there is some magic potion that can take Alice home. She has to decide if she wants to live in a magical land where everyone loves her or go back to a boring world where she has to marry some dick and everyone thinks she’s batshit insane. She ignores the logical decision and returns home to find out that it was all a bad (I mean bad) acid trip and learns never to take acid from Tim Burton again. Really she just returns home and she’s has….wait for it….learned things about life! She tells everyone to get fucked and goes to tour the world (please don’t make a sequel).

However I do approve of this sequel.



Now that the story is covered let’s move on to the fluff. Those are the features we paid to see right? Because who gives two shits for a story when we have hilarious comedic relief and stunning visuals. Let’s begin on the utterly lame comic relief. Comic relief in a movie is a great tool to distract people from the plot or make them feel like the ticket price was worth it, but all this comic relief did was make me feel guiltier for haven chosen to have seen this. I think the writers got the traits funny and annoying mixed up. Every character who was supposed to be the obvious comic relief was annoying as fucking hell, surely this is a “kids” movie but goddamn I can’t see a kid liking the characters in this. Now to move on to the stunning visuals, which is what this movie wants to focus on. I got the glorious chance to see this in 3-D so I had the enhanced visuals and I will say they weren’t bad. However, they weren’t stunning, they were just very standard. Even the 3-D didn’t have much to add, I felt like there was no difference without the glasses on. There are countless great visually stunning artworks based off Alice In Wonderland, but this one isn’t it.

These guys are not funny, not at all.



So all in all Alice In Wonderland (aka Return To Wonderland, Fucking Waste Of Time) is a fucking piece of garbage that should just be forgotten now so that our kids won’t have to grow up with this being their “Alice In Wonderland”. “But Taylor you have to be on acid to really see this film for what it is.” Don’t even go there, that excuse can work for anything. Drugs fucking enhance things, enough drugs could make a black wall enjoyable just as they can make a shitty movie better. Using drugs to justify your taste in movies only states that you have a shitty taste in movies. A healthy alternative to this movie would just be to watch the old movie or go check out some of the spinoffs (even the porno one). As far as Tim Burton movies I suggest you don’t watch anything after Planet of The Apes.



Movies You Love And Why They Suck: The Manliest Man Movie Ever Made For Man

So I love being a dick when it comes to movies and I thought why not just fucking embrace it. So I am going to try to start a new series of notes entitled, Movies You Love And Why They Suck.  

So we begin with a recent film, The Manliest Man Movie Ever Made For Men. This is also known as The Expendables. Written by, produced by, directed by, and starring Sylvester Stallone. Before I go into how fucking awful this movie was I would love to break down this “All-Star” action hero cast they advertised the hell out of.

Could they not find a better still of Stallone's face for the poster? The marketing team is supposed to make the poster look good....

Sylvester Stallone- Is an action hero without a doubt just as long as you forget Spy Kids 3-D and Judge Dredd.

Jason Statham- Fuck yeah Jason Statham and the only reason I saw this damn thing.

Jet Li- Action hero indeed, but doesn’t do shit in this movie. All he does is get his ass kicked and adds nothing to the fucking movie.

Dolph Lundgren- Who?

Randy Couture- Yes the fucking UFC guy. Let me remind you this is not an action star at all. He also has no point in the movie at all.

Stone Cold Steve Austin- Another guy who is not an action star. He was a famous wrestler and wrestling is just bad acting so I can see where he fits into this movie.

Terry Crews- Oh look another non-action star. If you don’t know who Terry Crews is, he is that black guy from all those movies. He just plays that black guy with a gun in this movie.

Micky Rourke- I’m not too familiar with Rourke’s career but all I know is he is probably more batshit insane than Stallone. Once again we have another character that does fucking nothing, but gets his name thrown on the poster.

Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger- I do these both together because these two were the most fucking disappointing part of the movie. When I saw these two names on the poster I was like, holy fuck there is no fucking way. I figured Willis would actually be a character and Arnold would do just a little since he is the Govenator now. All these two did was talk to Stallone for a minute or so and nothing else.

If can’t already tell by now but this movie was a fucking cop out beyond belief. Most of the advertised actors were just fucking cameos or small pointless roles. Basically you could say that most of the cast was just expendable. Which moves us on to the “story”, if you want to call it that. The story starts off in a hostage rescue mission on a boat. This is the point in which I lost all hope at the film being any good. Just within the opening scene they embody every awful action cliché while displaying cringe worthy acting and shitty CGI. I felt like I was watching a shitty version of The Room, but with guns and not as entertaining. While the subplots never went anywhere the main plot seemed to do the same thing, go fucking nowhere.

The marketing team can work wonders. How do they manage to make a fucking badass like Statham to look like a fairy?

But hey we’re not looking for a cinematic masterpiece here, just a fun action movie with great action sequences. The problem is that the action is as forgettable as the story. I feel as if the cast is afraid to touch a gun since most of the movie is just fist or knife fighting. I swear I saw enemy soldiers carrying knifes around in the middle of a gun fight. Seriously? You can’t just find a gun on one of the thousands of dead guys around you? No, because that would make sense and logic doesn’t belong in this movie.

I could go on and on about this piece of shit, but seriously stay away from this thing. I do take back calling it The Manliest Man Movie Ever Made For Men, it just doesn’t live up to the title. Jennifer Anniston makes manlier movies than this. If you want to see something that is fun and has great action sequences from this year I point you to the A-Team. At least they knew what they wanted to be and did a great job.