Once upon a time there was a director named Tim Burton. Burton made great films in which many loved. Then one day Tim Burton discovered that instead of making good movies for less money he could make bad movies for more money. After many fucking awful films his rocky road has lead us to his new abomination, Alice In Wonderland. People love the fuck out of this movie and I mean really love it. Then again this movie made over a billion dollars worldwide yet encouraging Tim Burton to keep making bad movies.
Isn't Tim Burton wonderful?
This movie stars Tim Burton's usual crew: Johnny Depp, Helena Carter, and some other edgy actors. I have never really seen why Johnny Depp is such a big deal. I won’t say anything about his early career, but his modern work has yet to make me a Johnny Depp fan. Then again it’s pretty hard to like a guy who is idolized by shallow, wanna-be scene girls. Now I just fucking hate Helena Carter. She never has anything to fucking offer to any movie she is in. “Oh what about Fight Club?” I fucking hated her and her character in that even though I love that movie. In this movie she crowns herself as Miss Annoying Fucking Cunt which is an achievement in my book. I will give this film credit in the fact that Alice was likable as in I would like to take her out to dinner. Aside from that the only likable actor in this is Alan Rickman.
Now for the story which is this film’s worst feature. Let me tell you what you already know, but Alice In Wonderland is not a remake it’s a fucking sequel. What kind of fucking rip off is that? I’m sure millions went into the theater expecting a remake of a classic film from their childhood, but instead they get the product of a bunch of fucking retarded monkeys (studio writers) flinging shit at each other for a couple months. I mean why couldn’t they just be honest and give it a title that makes sense. What would be wrong with calling it Return To Wonderland? Or just be a honest and name it A Waste Of Fucking Time. Anyways, back to the story (if you want to call it that), so we have Alice. She is getting forced into a marriage she doesn’t want to be in just like every other goddamn woman in the old days. Everyone thinks she’s nuts and so she is tripping on some acid and follows a rabbit into a hole. So after some uninteresting CGI effects we find out that she has to fufill the prophecy and beat that dance crew from that MTV show which is actually a terribly designed dragon. As the plot continues it’s cliché nonsense she travels through Wonderland seeing it has been devastated by Helena Carter. So to skip most of the bullshit the battle comes down to a giant checkerboard and Alice has to fight the dragon thing. With no proper sword training Alice manages to defeat the dragon and bring peace to Wonderland. Then to celebrate Johnny Depp does a dance, yes he does a dance. Refer to the link below.
I nearly walked out of the theater at this moment. I was embarrassed to even watch this. I’m not sure whether this was supposed to be funny or look cool, but it was wrong in every way. I’d rather have sat through another hour of Helena Carter than see that. Again, back to the story, to wrap things up there is some magic potion that can take Alice home. She has to decide if she wants to live in a magical land where everyone loves her or go back to a boring world where she has to marry some dick and everyone thinks she’s batshit insane. She ignores the logical decision and returns home to find out that it was all a bad (I mean bad) acid trip and learns never to take acid from Tim Burton again. Really she just returns home and she’s has….wait for it….learned things about life! She tells everyone to get fucked and goes to tour the world (please don’t make a sequel).
However I do approve of this sequel.
Now that the story is covered let’s move on to the fluff. Those are the features we paid to see right? Because who gives two shits for a story when we have hilarious comedic relief and stunning visuals. Let’s begin on the utterly lame comic relief. Comic relief in a movie is a great tool to distract people from the plot or make them feel like the ticket price was worth it, but all this comic relief did was make me feel guiltier for haven chosen to have seen this. I think the writers got the traits funny and annoying mixed up. Every character who was supposed to be the obvious comic relief was annoying as fucking hell, surely this is a “kids” movie but goddamn I can’t see a kid liking the characters in this. Now to move on to the stunning visuals, which is what this movie wants to focus on. I got the glorious chance to see this in 3-D so I had the enhanced visuals and I will say they weren’t bad. However, they weren’t stunning, they were just very standard. Even the 3-D didn’t have much to add, I felt like there was no difference without the glasses on. There are countless great visually stunning artworks based off Alice In Wonderland, but this one isn’t it.
These guys are not funny, not at all.
So all in all Alice In Wonderland (aka Return To Wonderland, Fucking Waste Of Time) is a fucking piece of garbage that should just be forgotten now so that our kids won’t have to grow up with this being their “Alice In Wonderland”. “But Taylor you have to be on acid to really see this film for what it is.” Don’t even go there, that excuse can work for anything. Drugs fucking enhance things, enough drugs could make a black wall enjoyable just as they can make a shitty movie better. Using drugs to justify your taste in movies only states that you have a shitty taste in movies. A healthy alternative to this movie would just be to watch the old movie or go check out some of the spinoffs (even the porno one). As far as Tim Burton movies I suggest you don’t watch anything after Planet of The Apes.
No comments:
Post a Comment