So I love being a dick when it comes to movies and I thought why not just fucking embrace it. So I am going to try to start a new series of notes entitled, Movies You Love And Why They Suck.
So we begin with a recent film, The Manliest Man Movie Ever Made For Men. This is also known as The Expendables. Written by, produced by, directed by, and starring Sylvester Stallone. Before I go into how fucking awful this movie was I would love to break down this “All-Star” action hero cast they advertised the hell out of.
Could they not find a better still of Stallone's face for the poster? The marketing team is supposed to make the poster look good....
Sylvester Stallone- Is an action hero without a doubt just as long as you forget Spy Kids 3-D and Judge Dredd.
Jason Statham- Fuck yeah Jason Statham and the only reason I saw this damn thing.
Jet Li- Action hero indeed, but doesn’t do shit in this movie. All he does is get his ass kicked and adds nothing to the fucking movie.
Dolph Lundgren- Who?
Randy Couture- Yes the fucking UFC guy. Let me remind you this is not an action star at all. He also has no point in the movie at all.
Stone Cold Steve Austin- Another guy who is not an action star. He was a famous wrestler and wrestling is just bad acting so I can see where he fits into this movie.
Terry Crews- Oh look another non-action star. If you don’t know who Terry Crews is, he is that black guy from all those movies. He just plays that black guy with a gun in this movie.
Micky Rourke- I’m not too familiar with Rourke’s career but all I know is he is probably more batshit insane than Stallone. Once again we have another character that does fucking nothing, but gets his name thrown on the poster.
Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger- I do these both together because these two were the most fucking disappointing part of the movie. When I saw these two names on the poster I was like, holy fuck there is no fucking way. I figured Willis would actually be a character and Arnold would do just a little since he is the Govenator now. All these two did was talk to Stallone for a minute or so and nothing else.
If can’t already tell by now but this movie was a fucking cop out beyond belief. Most of the advertised actors were just fucking cameos or small pointless roles. Basically you could say that most of the cast was just expendable. Which moves us on to the “story”, if you want to call it that. The story starts off in a hostage rescue mission on a boat. This is the point in which I lost all hope at the film being any good. Just within the opening scene they embody every awful action cliché while displaying cringe worthy acting and shitty CGI. I felt like I was watching a shitty version of The Room, but with guns and not as entertaining. While the subplots never went anywhere the main plot seemed to do the same thing, go fucking nowhere.
The marketing team can work wonders. How do they manage to make a fucking badass like Statham to look like a fairy?
But hey we’re not looking for a cinematic masterpiece here, just a fun action movie with great action sequences. The problem is that the action is as forgettable as the story. I feel as if the cast is afraid to touch a gun since most of the movie is just fist or knife fighting. I swear I saw enemy soldiers carrying knifes around in the middle of a gun fight. Seriously? You can’t just find a gun on one of the thousands of dead guys around you? No, because that would make sense and logic doesn’t belong in this movie.
I could go on and on about this piece of shit, but seriously stay away from this thing. I do take back calling it The Manliest Man Movie Ever Made For Men, it just doesn’t live up to the title. Jennifer Anniston makes manlier movies than this. If you want to see something that is fun and has great action sequences from this year I point you to the A-Team. At least they knew what they wanted to be and did a great job.
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